forwards and all that crap

I hate forwards, I usually delete them unless I am super bored and read the newest in my inbox. Today was one of those days, but this one is actually not bad. So I am going to post it on here. Think of it as an email hahaha

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without
using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what
the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie
channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore
because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of
nasty germs, including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking
your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number
one spot).

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can
only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over
the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on
their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in
the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there
by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from
certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now ...... it's too late.

I think I got almost all of those forwards one time or another. It's pretty sick. But whatever I know that some people will never stop sending them.... it's like an addiction towards spam = (stupid pointless annoying messages.)

Now go and break that chain letter that is waiting in your inbox. You know it's been going around since 1864!